


I'll Use You

by A_Dangerous_Time



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Smut, the 100 au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-07-28 11:20:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16240565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Dangerous_Time/pseuds/A_Dangerous_Time
Summary: Murphy, in the midst of mourning a past relationship, moves to a new town, and meets Bellamy, a cop with emotional baggage.Please be kind. This is my first fic ever. I'm just here to tell stories.





	1. I Found

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy!
> 
> So this is my first fan-fic of anything ever. I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm just here to tell stories.  
> There will be smut, and fluff, and drama, and bullshit. Prepare yourself. Please be kind. 
> 
> Warning- I'm a terrible speller, and I'm not fantastic at proof- reading, sorry.
> 
> I'm going to try to update this at least once a week, maybe more often depending on my schedule for the week. I'll update tags and such as we go.
> 
> All post will be un-beta'd  
> Will try to update once a week, at least.  
> Not sure how long this will end up. Plotting a few chapters at a time as I go.  
> Enjoy (maybe?)

Bellamy sighed as he pulled his hat over his dark curls and stepped out of the car into the damp evening air filled with the flash of blue and white lights. Atom owed him big time for this. Bellamy hadn’t worked a regular shift in almost a year, since his promotion to detective. He had hoped for a nice quiet night, maybe a traffic stop for old times sake, but not this, not dealing with drunk assholes. Especially not at his friend’s joint. This was too much excitement.  
As Bellamy approached the front entrance to the bar he felt a hand on his arm, instinctively he placed a hand on his gun as he turned to see who is touching him, but was relieved to see that its just a very harassed looking waitress. “They’ve got him out back” was all she said before turning back to door and returning to her shift. Bellamy turned and headed down the alley beside the building past a dumpster and into the small lot behind the bar. Three people milled about in the alley. One man with a black eye leaned up against the wall beside the back door, one man sitting on the black top humming to himself and picking at his shoe, and one familiar frame animatedly talking on a phone.  
Jasper was pacing back and forth tugging a hand through his hair and muttering into his cell phone. Bellamy caught “yeah, rough night at work, I’m gonna be late. Fucking Drunk assholes” as he approached the rather unhappy trio. Jasper stopped pacing and held up a finger when he noticed Bellamy. “Gotta go, Bell’s here,” he said, “ Yeah, me either. Bye.” 

Jasper hung up the phone and then looked at Bellamy, cocking his head to the side, a slightly giddy grin splitting his face. “I didn’t know they sent detectives to round up drunk and disorderlies” Jasper chuckled. Bellamy smiled and rolled his eyes. “They don’t. I’m covering for Atom tonight, reminds me why I took on the extra work of being a detective. So, what happened?”

“I didn’ start nothin’!” the man on the ground slurred as his head lolled back to meet Bellamy’s eyes, he let out a laugh, and his head flopped back down. 

“Alright, sir, we’ll get to the bottom of this,” Bellamy sighed, glanced over at the kid half hidden in the shadows against the wall, and looked back at Jasper.

“He took a swing at my new bartender when he cut him off. He got in a good hit, but we managed to get him off of Murph and out here.”

“That your bartender?” Bellamy inclined his head toward the kid against the wall, who was frantically typing on his phone. 

“Yeah,” Jasper sighed, “hell of a first night for him. He says he’s fine, doesn’t want to bother with the idiot, but I wanted to get the cops out. Don’t want to make a reputation for ourselves.”

“ Okay. I’ll talk to him, and I’ll take your trouble maker to the tank for the night.”

“ Thanks Bell, I gotta get back in since we are down a bartender.” Jasper turned and headed for the back door, pausing by the man. “When he gets done with you, go home. Good work tonight, its clear you know what your doing. Sorry your first shift was…. so eventful.” Jasper said giving the man by the door a pat on the shoulder and a nod. 

“Detective Blake,” Bellamy introduced himself stepping up to the man by the door. “Mind giving me a quick statement?”

The kid glanced up and then back at his phone, typing out one last line. He looked young to Bellamy, around Jasper and his sister’s age probably. In the light from his phone screen Bellamy could see that his left eye was bruised and swelling, and even through the damage Bellamy noted the dark circles under his eyes and that they were clouded with something like pain, or loss. 

The kid sighed and pocketed his phone. “Look, I told the boss, I don’t want to press charges or anything,” He looked off to the distance, and then back at Bellamy, “ I just, please, I just want to go home. He’s just and angry drunk, I cut him off, he got pissed and took a swing. Not the first time and certainly won’t be the last time I have to deal with an inebriated ass-hat.”

“Alright, that’s fine,” Bellamy replied with a small chuckle. “ I just need your name for my report.”

Bellamy pulled out his note pad and flipped it open to a blank page. Patting his pockets for a pen he looked back up at the kid who had moved away from the wall and into the light from the street lamp. Bellamy’s breath caught as he looked back up meeting the other man’s eyes, Bellamy’s hand grasping the pen tucked in his pocket. The cop shook his head and pulled the pen out and clicked it open.

“Name?”

“Murphy. Uh, John Murphy,”

“Alright, address?”

“Uh,” Murphy hesitated digging in his pocket for his wallet. “I just moved here,” he mumbled flipping it open and pulling out a little piece of paper. “here.”

He stepped forward and held it out to Bellamy. Their eyes met again and Bellamy felt a small jolt in his stomach as his hand brushed Murphy’s taking the paper from his fingers. He fumbled and dropped the paper, his cheeks turning the tiniest bit pink as he bent to pick it up. When he stood back up Murphy was watching him with his head tilted to the side and a small smile playing on his lips, but it was gone as soon as Bellamy’s eyes landed on him again. Murphy let out a puff of air, shoved his hands in his pockets and started kicking his shoe into the wet pavement. This Murphy was something, Bellamy thought. Slim build, striking features, and bright blue eyes. Bellamy copied down the address and passed the slip of paper back to Murphy without incident, but did brush his fingers over Murphy’s as he handed it back.

“Look, if you change your mind about pressing charges,” Bellamy nodded at the man on the ground who had slumped over, apparently asleep, “ come down to the station tomorrow. Here.” He dug in his chest pocket and pulled out a small business card, flipped it over, jotted his cell number down, and passed it to Murphy. “Or give me a call. I’m gonna take him down to the drunk tank and get him sorted for the night so he can sleep it off.” 

“Thanks,” Murphy replied tucking the card into his pocket and placing his hand over it. “I, uh, my ride his here.” He ducked his head and rubbed at hand through his hair. “I’ll let you know if I change my mind. Thanks… again.” With that Murphy shook his head to himself as he turned to walk up the alley way to the front of building.

Bellamy smiled after him, watching his silhouette duck into the car waiting on the street at the other end of the alley. “Alright, up,” Bellamy demanded grabbing the drunk man by the upper arm and giving him a little shake. The drunk’s head rolled back to look at Bellamy, he let out a loud laugh that ended in a snort and shuffled his feet under his body as Bellamy hauled him to his feet. It was going to be a long drive back to the station. Atom was really going to owe him. 

_-_-_-_

“So, are you going to call him?” Emori was entirely too perky for midnight. Murphy was toweling off his hair as he wandered into the living room. He sat himself down on the couch and gave her a non-committal grunt in response. She sat a cup of hot chocolate down on the table beside him and flopped onto the other end of the couch.  
“I don’t think some drunk ass-hat is worth that much time and effort,” Murphy scoffed, lifting the hot mug to his lips and slurping the too hot liquid into his mouth, choking it down as it burnt his tongue. 

“But you said the officer was good looking,” She prodded, eyeing Murphy as she blew into her mug to cool it off, noting the hint of pink that crept up Murphy’s cheeks.

“I just moved here 5 days ago, and it’s only been a little over five months.” Murphy sighed and sat his mug down. He turned to look Emori in the face. “There’s no rule on this. It’s hard. It’s been just over 5 months. Is that long enough?” His voice is calm but his eyes seemed to plead with her for an answer.

“John,” She places her mug on the table and takes his hand. “You are right, there is no rule on this. It’s about what you want… what you need. No one gets to tell you how to mourn, or when you are through. He was important to you. But you have to accept that you had what you had, and now that chapter is over, and one day you are going to have to move on.”

“I know,” he grumbled meeting her gaze, “I just, don’t want to betray his memory.” 

“You won’t. You aren’t. He loved you, he wanted the best for you, and I’m sure that he wants the best for you now. And that, what’s best for you, is whatever makes you happy.”

“I don’t know that I remember happy.” John sighed and looked away from her focusing on something invisible agist the far wall of their apartment. 

“You’ll come around,” She said simply. “Now tell me about him.”

“Well I told you already that he seemed to know Jasper, my manager. I suppose I could just ask Jasper, but that might be kinda weird. And he introduced himself as “Detective Blake’, but Jasper called him something else. ‘Bell’ I think, but I dunno, I wasn’t really paying attention.” Emori studied Murphy as he spoke. He looked more hopeful than he had in a long time, the corners of his mouth turning up in a slight smile. She was glad. He had been sad for so long. She was glad she had finally convinced him to move to the city with her. He needed a change of pace.  
“ He seemed kind of flustered by the whole thing, and he stared a little too long when I handed him the address too, before he dropped the paper. And, I mean, he gave me his number, I think it’s his cell number, because his work phone is listed on the card. But, man, I dunno, I’m probably reading to much into this. It was over in ten minutes, if that,” He rolled his eyes at himself and flung his head back against the couch. He was quite for a few moments and then let out a deep breath. Emori glanced over in time to notice him wipe at his eye that wasn’t swollen. 

“What would Mbege think?” he whispered to himself, but Emori heard it. She sat her mug back down with a forceful thunk, turned to him, and took his face gently in her hands.

“He would be happy for you. He would be glad that you are letting yourself feel something again.” She looked at him for a long time, holding his gaze and studying his black eye, “ And he would be impressed that you met someone by getting the shit knocked out of your face.”

He let out a small chuckle as another tear dropped from his eye, hands remaining on his lap this time. “Thanks, Em” he broke her gaze and she dropped her hands away. Murphy grabbed his mug and took another sip, and then he smiled because damnit she was right, Mbege would want him to be happy, and he would have given Murphy so much shit for falling for a cop that he met after getting beat up, even if it was just drunk guy at work that did the damage.

“So,” Emori sat up straight and prodded Murphy in the ribs and raising an eyebrow, “Are you going to call him or are we taking ourselves a trip down to the station in the morning?"

_-_-_-_

 

“Bells! My savior!” Jasper cheered as Bellamy stepped through the door of the bar shaking the rain off of his jacket. Bellamy turned to hang his coat on a hook and rolled his eyes to himself. He should have turned his friends down and just gone home. Friday nights were their usual get together, but they would have understood after his long evening shift. Jasper always worked but they all hung out at the bar til closing time. Monty, Wells, and Raven always played pool or darts and bet each other their drink tabs, while Clarke, Lexa, and Harper drank wine and decompressed from their weeks at work. Bellamy sometimes joined in the competitions, sometimes sat with the girls and chatted, depended on how stressful the day had been. 

“Heard you got yourself some action tonight,” Raven called as Bellamy headed toward his friends gathered around the pool table in the back of the room. “Guess your gonna be bitching with the hens tonight,” Raven teased tossing her head toward Clarke, Lexa and Harper giggling at the high table against the wall.

“ Oh yeah drunk and disorderly,” Bellamy snorted. He grabbed a stool and pulled it up beside Clarke and Lexa to watch the rest of the pool game. “Jasper, you need to talk to your bartender. He should press charges. I looked up the guys records when I got him back to the station and he has quite the history of making an ass of himself while drunk.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Jasper replied passing Bellamy a beer, “He texted me to say he would be here for his shift tomorrow afternoon. I think he’s gonna be a good employee, he seems a little moody, but dedicated.”

“What’s his story?” Bellamy inquired trying not to sound too interested, but then he choked a little on a sip of beer. Clarke gave him a questioning look, but said nothing.

“Don’t really know,” Jasper shrugged. “He moved here end of last week, lives out on the west side of town near the university. He was professional in his interview, and from what I saw earlier he’s a good worker, can handle all the bull shit, you know; but he seems to be stuck in his own head a lot of the time. He’s blue,” Jasper concluded and headed back to the bar to wait on some costumers. 

Raven let out a cheer as Monty dramatically flopped against Wells and threw his arm over his forehead. “Sucks to be you,” Raven quipped and turned to flash a big smile at her friends seated at the table. 

Harper giggled, “You’ve got it rigged. The boys haven’t won for the past three Fridays.”

“Can’t help that I’m awesome,” Raven retorted and pulled a stool up beside Harper. 

“So how’s life?” Raven turned to Bellamy, her smile flashing again. “Have fun back on patrol tonight, catching all the bad guys?” 

“I hauled a drunk guy into the tank and arrested some kid for throwing a brick through the mayor’s office window. Hardly ‘stoping all the bad guys’ just gave me enough of a headache to remind me what makes the extra stress of detective worth it.”

“You know you could relieve some of that stress if you had a life outside of work again,” Wells chimed in putting his cue back on the rack. “You could pick up a hobby, or go on a date again.” 

Bellamy let out a sarcastic chuckle and sighed, “I like my job, I’m good at it. And no one should have to put up with my crap. And I do have a hobby, I read, a lot, thank you.” 

Raven grabbed Wells by the arm and drug him toward the bar. “Come on, time to buy me that drink I won,” Looking back over her shoulder at Bellamy she added “Still wouldn’t hurt if you got laid once in a while.”

“Could go for the cute kid you ‘rescued’ tonight,” Jasper called winking at Bellamy before turning to Raven and Wells. 

Bellamy shook his head and looked down at his shoes, blushing a little as his mouth turned up in a small smile. Raven was right, but he wouldn’t admit it. It had been a long time since he dated anyone, he had been so busy with trying to make detective that he didn’t have time to put proper effort into a relationship. He hadn’t had any one night stands since college, that wasn’t him anymore. He was a little taken aback by Jasper’s comment though, he didn’t think he had been that obvious in his interactions with Murphy. Bellamy folded his arms across his chest and took to studying the other patrons milling about in the bar.

“Was he hurt?” Clarke broke Bellamy from his thoughts about the fatigued look in Murphy’s eyes earlier in the night, like he’d been up for days on end. 

Bellamy started, and then shrugged, “Didn’t look too bad, hell of a shiner, but I think he’ll be alright.” Clarke nodded in response and turned to Lexa, taking her hand and leaning down to whisper in her ear. Lexa gave Clarke a small smile and a nod and Clarke stood up. “Let’s take a walk” Clarke Grabbed Bellamy by the hand. 

Clarke pulled Bellamy out of the back door of the bar, and he stepped out into the glow of the street lamp for the second time that evening. He turned and looked at the spot by the door before folding his arms against the chill and looking up at Clarke who had fixed him with a shit eating grin. 

“I haven’t seen that look on your face in a long time.” She said mimicking his posture and smiling again. “You do like him. You haven’t blushed like that since you met Gina sophomore year of college.”

Bellamy sighed, but smiled again. Clarke had know him since freshman year. She lived across the hall from him and they had become fast friends. Clarke witnessed him through is crush on his roommate, and subsequent heartbreak and rage when his roommate fell in love with Octavia, Bellamy’s little sister. He was grateful for her friendship, she knew him better than anyone else, and didn’t judge. She had become a second sister to him and Octavia; she lived with them while she went through medical school and comforted them when they lost their mother. Bellamy was grateful for all of his friends, but Clarke held a special place in his heart. 

Bellamy held up his hands in surrender “Guilty” he said quietly.

“What are you going to do about it?” Clarke gave him a questioning look, but her eyes were kind and held excitement.

“I don’t know, Clarke,” Bellamy sighed, “you know things ended pretty badly with Gina, and It’s been what, four years since we dated.”

“You can’t help when you fall in love,” Clarke shrugged. “And I’m sure that this guy isn’t like Gina.”

“Ugh, but it’s been so long. I don’t know if I even remember love,” Bellamy rubbed his hand over his face. “He was cute, it caught me off guard,” Bellamy’s face cracked with a smile and he stared pointedly down at his shoes, “But I did give him my number.”

Bellamy glanced back at Clarke, and she raised an eyebrow at him. “I wrote it on the back of one of my cards,” Bellamy added proudly, “told him to call me if he wanted to press charges.”

Clarke let out a harsh laugh and put her hands to her hips. “Bellamy Blake, you are impossible. He probably doesn’t even know that is your personal number, you are going to have to approach him again.”

Bellamy deflated before her. He knew she was right, but he didn’t want to admit it. He had been struck by this kid, he was just so out of practice with the whole wooing people business. He had been quite the romantic in college. Clarke had prodded him into attending clubs with her, and he had been surprised to find that he enjoyed their trips to the BDSM club downtown. That’s where he met Gina at the end of his sophomore year. They had stayed together for several years, they learned a lot from each other; but she had broken it off after his mother’s death. Bellamy took the loss of his mom pretty hard on top of moving back home to take care of Octavia until she finished school. 

Stepping toward Bellamy Clarke stretched out her harm and placed an hand on his shoulder. “Wells and Raven are right, you need to get back into the swing of things. You’ve made detective, you are doing well for yourself, and you are getting Octavia through college. It’s time you started looking out for yourself again. And, who knows, maybe Raven will give you less shit if you date again.”

“Like that will happen.”

“You never know. But, hey,” Clarke tugged at Bellamy’s sleeve to get him to look her in the eye again. “Promise me you won’t force these feelings down like you have for the past few years. I truly haven’t seen that look on your face in years, and you deserve some happiness. Promise me you will at least give this a try.”

 

Bellamy sighed and pulled her into a hug. He let her go after a moment and stepped back “Thanks, Clarke, I promise that I will try.” With that, they headed back to join their friends.

_-_-_-_

Murphy was jolted awake as Emori landed next to him on his mattress on the floor, she was entirely too happy for 7 in the morning. “Rise and shine, sleeping beauty,” she squealed shaking his shoulder, “you have a date with the cop.”

“It’s not a date,” he replied refusing to open his eyes “I’m going to fill out paper work. That’s all. I probably won’t even see him.” 

“Yeah, sure.”


	2. And I'll Be Holding Onto You

The doors to the station swallowed people and spat others back out into the large puddles gathered on the pavement. The rain from last night had continued on into the late morning. Emori bounced impatiently at Murphy’s side. He extended his hand and grabbed ahold of her wrist gently pulling her back toward the ground. 

“Em, we are just filling out paper work, that’s it. Jasper said that he thought it would be a good idea for me to press charges. I really don’t want to be here, so if we can just go in and get this over with and leave, that would be great.”

Murphy took a deep breath and stepped toward the door. He had only been in a police station a twice before, the first when he and Mbege had been brought in for a fight at one of their high school’s football game. Murphy knew this time was different, but he had the same sense of dread as that night almost ten years ago. He remembered Mbege’s face as they rode in the back of the police car, almost giddy, pumped on adrenaline not caring about the consequences.The second he didn’t care to think about at the moment.

He also remembered the morning after his stay with Mbege in the holding cell overnight. That was the first time that Mbege had uttered “I love you” to Murphy. Murphy hoped that he would have the same feeling of relief, and maybe even joy, walking out of the station again today. Only one way to find out. 

“Let’s get this over with,” He tugged Emori forward by her gloved hand. 

“Oooh, yes, lets meet your knight in shining armor.”

“Look, Em, I just,” He paused pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, “I really just want to get this over with and go back home so that I can get a good nap in before I have to go into work tonight. Yes he was handsome, but we really don’t need to do this. It’s never gonna work out, so please can we just get this over with and go home?” Murphy snapped, his nerves getting the better of him.

“Someone’s grumpy,” She mumbled pulling her hand out of his and walking toward the door. She held it open and ushered him in. “After you”

“Can I help you?” The receptionist said from behind the desk in the foyer as the pair shuffled through the door. Her eyes still glued to the paper in her hand. 

“Um, yes. I need to see detective Blake,” Murphy tried to quell the butterflies in his stomach, “he should be expecting me.”

“Name?”

“Murphy. John Murphy.”

The receptionist finally glanced up to look at him before letting out a sigh and and picking up her phone, she pressed a button and waited. “John Murphy?” She listened for a moment and then sat the receiver back down in it’s dock. “Alight straight back through the double doors, third office on the left” she told him in a bothered tone. 

He glanced around the small entry way. There was a door marked ‘intake’ to the left and a set of double doors behind the desk and a large window and door that looked out on a sea of desk with officers seated at them. Murphy shuddered at the sight of all of the officers huddled in one place. He glanced at Emori who had busied herself looking at the flyers posted on the wall. “C’mon, Em” 

She turned and hurried to catch up as he walked toward the doors behind the desk. Emori slipped her arm around his shoulder and gave him a reassuring squeeze, hoping to help wipe the look of dread off his face, but she was unsuccessful. He swallowed hard and pushed his hair away from his injured eye, still bruised but less swollen than the night before.

He counted the doors as they walked down the hall and stoped outside the third reading the small label beside the door. ‘Detective Bellamy Blake” it said. He knocked.

“Come on in” he heard from the other side and he pushed the door open. Emori followed right on his heels and sat herself down in the chair beside the door. Bellamy looked up from the paperwork spread across the desk in front of him. He smiled as his gaze met Murphy’s and then it slipped as he noticed the girl walking through the door. She plopped down in the chair against the wall, fixed him with an intense stare, and folded her arms. He quickly recovered putting on a professional demeanor and turning his eyes to Murphy’s. He hadn’t noticed how blue they were last night. He would chalk it up to the fact that one of them had been very swollen.

“Mr. Murphy” the detective said motioning to the chair in front of his desk, “nice to see you again, looks like the eye isn’t too bad.”

“It’s just Murphy,” he replied, seating himself in the chair, “And, no, I’ve dealt with worse. What we do need to do to get this over with?”

Bellamy noted the sour tone to his voice. “I take it Jasper pushed you to press charges?”

“Uh, yeah, he said he thought it would be a good Idea.” Murphy had been fairly displeased to read through his boss’s text this morning urging him to ‘please consider filing charges against asshole with the fist” but Murphy had decided to go through with it. He called the number listed on the front of the card Bellamy had given him to inform the detective that he did want to press charges, and Bellamy had told him to come down to the station whenever was convenient. Still tired from the events of the previous night Murphy decided to ask Emori to drive him in. Maybe this way she could meet the detective, see there was nothing there, shut up about the whole incident and he would be allowed to get on with his life. 

“Good, I think so too. Who’s this?” Bellamy inquired, raising an eyebrow and nodding toward Emori. 

“She’s my room-“

“Emori. Bodyguard, landlord, chauffeur,” she said, fixing him with an intense gaze once again, “and best friend.” She put emphasis on the last words and settled back into her chair still staring him down. 

“Nice to meet you,” he said after a pause. She reminded Bellamy of a lioness hiding in the bushes preparing to pounce on an unsuspecting gazelle. 

Murphy rolled his eyes. She wan’t going to let this go easily. “Don’t mind her, officer” Murphy said dryly. “She thinks she’s tough.” Emori leaned forward and swatted him on the back of the head. “Where do I sign?”

 

“Detective,” Bellamy said jokingly, pointing to the name plate on the desk, “and all I need from you is a statement. He’ll get a court date when we release him today, and you might get a letter in the mail to appear. Don’t hold your breath though, the courts back logged, and it will probably be a couple months before you get a date.” Bellamy slid open the center desk drawer and pulled a notepad out, flipped a few pages and looked back to Murphy. The kid looked horrified. “Don’t worry about it, the DA might not even need you if she has a good statement to go on.”

Murphy deflated a little and shook his head. He tucked his hands into the sleeves of his jacket and launched into the story of the night before trying to include pertinent details that he thought would help him avoid a trip to the county court house. Bellamy copied everything down, asking for clarification when he needed it, and nodded as he listened. 

“That should do it.” Bellamy said sitting his pen down and meeting Murphy’s eyes. “This is technically my buddy Atom’s case, I was covering for him last night, but he shouldn’t need anything else from you. I’ll pass this along to him with your contact information just in case though.”

Murphy nodded and stood up. Emori stood along with him and turned the handle to the door and stepped out into the hall. She turned to look one more time at Bellamy, and then stepped away giving Murphy room to exit. 

“Thanks again ofic-. Detective.” Murphy corrected himself and looked down at his shoes. 

“Just doing my job,” Bellamy smiled, pushing his chair out and standing behind the desk. Murphy turned to leave. “Hey,” Bellamy said, and cringed at how loud it sounded, “You still got my card?” Murphy turned to look at him and nodded. “That my cell, that I wrote on the back. Jasper said you’re new in town, if you need anything, shoot me a text.” Bellamy offered him small smile.

“Uh, thanks.” Murphy replied and turned quickly on his heel to follow Emori, a hint of pink dusting over his cheeks.

“What’d he say?” she raised an eyebrow at him.

“Just told me to text him if I need anything,” Murphy mumbled as they walked back toward the station entrance. 

“Ah,” was her only reply, but she was staring Murphy down with a huge smile. She wasn’t going to let this go. 

They pushed the front doors open and stepped out onto the sidewalk pocked with pools of rain water. Murphy fixed his gaze on his shoes as they headed for the parking lot. He felt relief, but the butterflies in his stomach were back, maybe, he thought, maybe there is more to this. 

_-_-_-_

 

Bellamy let out a loud huff of frustration and ran his hand through his hair, further tousling his already untidy curls. He chanced a glance at the clock and was relieved to see that it read 4:45. Today had be uneventful and full of tedious paperwork, aside from the few moments this morning that he took Murphy’s statement. He couldn’t help but smile to himself. Clarke would be pleased to know that he had channeled some of his old college era charm and told Murphy to text him. Bellamy pushed back his chair and stood grabbing several folders off his desk and headed down the hall. He stepped through the double doors and up to the desk in the lobby. 

“Here, Kara, could you please get these to Pike?” She didn’t look up, just nodded and continued typing. “Thanks” he added.

She just let out a small ‘mhm’ as Bellamy turned and went through the door on the other side of the desk. Atom’s desk was always a mess, and easy to spot in the large room filled with the beat cops’ desks. Bellamy shuffled papers around the mess of papers until he found the tray for incoming files. 

“Blake! Have a good weekend” an under cover officer with a hat pulled down over his short cut hair pushed a man in cuffs through the door on the far side of the room. 

“Thanks, Miller, you as well.” Bellamy called. He shoved his hand in is pocket and pulled out his phone. He shot off a quick text to Atom, telling him that his two files from the night before were in his inbox and that he should clean his desk. Bellamy thumbed back to his messages and opened the one from his sister. 

O: I should get in around 7. Let’s go to Jasper’s, I know it’s Saturday but maybe some of the others will come. I already texted Clarke, she suggest we meet there, waiting to hear from the others. 

Bellamy smiled at his phone. He was glad that Octavia was getting her education, but he missed her being at home. After they lost their mom he had taken the responsibility of getting her through high school and into a good college very seriously and was happy to see that she was still putting in the effort. She would have to head back to the university on Wednesday but at least he got to see her for a little while, and they were going to clean out their storage locker. A long overdue chore that he was anticipating, but also a little apprehensive about. There was a lot of history in there. 

Sounds good he replied to Octavia and then clicked over to Clarke’s message. 

C: Happy we get to see O tonight, can’t wait to hear about your talk with the bartender ;)

Bellamy rolled his eyes. He made an effort, that was all she could ask of him. The ball was in Murphy’s court now, but he had the feeling Clarke wasn’t going to let this go. 

B: I’ll meet you at Jasper’s around 630. O should be there at 7, she doesn’t need to be in on this. 

Bellamy pocketed his phone and headed for the parking lot. He rubbed at the headache growing in his right temple. He had spent the drive home last night grumbling with himself about how his friends were probably right that he need to get back into the swing of ‘normal’ life for a single guy his age, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up on anything working out, he was a different person now. 

_-_-_-_

Clarke plopped her purse down under the bar and sat herself on a stool waiting patiently for the bar tender to finish with the other customers. 

“What can I get you?” He asked turning to her. She looked up at him and let out a small gasp. Her eyes landed on the bruise encircling his eye. Her plan was good. She recovered quickly painting her face with a smile.

“I’ll take a white russian, thanks,” She flashed a smile at him again as he turned away and busied himself making her drink. 

Clarke sat checking notifications on her phone as she waited. She knew Bellamy would be later than he said, he always was. He walked in 15 minutes later than the time they had agreed upon and perched himself on the bar stool beside her. 

“Hey,” he said. 

“Hey,” She replied looking up from her phone screen and glancing down the bar. The bartender was nowhere in sight so she fixed Bellamy with a smile and said. “So, tell me about this morning.”

“Dear God, Clarke, you don’t waste any time.” She said nothing, staring at him, head leaned forward slightly. He sighed, realizing she wasn’t going to drop it. “I asked if he still had my card, told him that I put my personal number on the back, and offered to help him out if he needed anything seeing as he just moved here.”

“And has he texted you yet?” She asked innocently.

“No, but remember Jasper said that he works toni— Oh shit.” Bellamy palmed his face as he realized that he was sitting at the bar that Murphy was tending. He looked around franticly but the boy was nowhere in sight. 

“I think he stepped out back” Clarke said with a cheery tone and slight shrug. “I’m sure he’ll be back in a minute.”

Bellamy crossed his arms on the counter in front oh him and buried his head in the crook of his elbow. He had been so caught up in getting his paperwork done and the excitement of seeing his sister that he hadn’t really been thinking about Murphy being employed at his usual hang out. This was going to change things, he would see Murphy all the time, regardless if things worked out between them or not. 

“You want something to drink?” Bellamy was pulled from his thoughts be a familiar voice. He sat up and was face to face with Murphy.

“Oh, hi, detective.” Murphy’s face lit up with an amused grin. It was the first time Bellamy had seen him look remotely happy.

“Yeah, Whisky neat please.” Bellamy returned his smile.

“Right out.” Murphy replied and turned to pull a bottle off the shelf. 

Bellamy glanced at Clarke. She had turned her whole body to be facing him and looked very pleased with herself. 

“You knew this was going to happen when you suggested this to O, didn’t you?”

“I just suggested that we all meet at a place that is very special to us all” Clarke replied trying, convincingly, to sound innocent. 

 

Octavia arrived late, as usual (must be genetic). Monty, Harper and Jasper all made it in too. They had a lovely evening catching up and playing pool. Bellamy spent the night stealing glances at Murphy. He enjoyed watching the younger man work. He was calm and polite, not at all unsure of himself as he seemed to be both times Bellamy has talked to him. Bellamy also spent the night avoiding Clarke’s perceptive gaze. When she caught him looking at Murphy she would flash a cocky smile at him, but, true to his wishes, said nothing about it in front of Octavia. 

Murphy watched Bellamy and his group of friends gathered around the pool table. They laughed and smiled and teased each other. Out of uniform he was much more approachable, and he noted how genuine his interactions with his friends seemed.More than once Murphy caught Bellamy staring at him across the bar. At first Bellamy would look away quickly but as the night went on, and Bellamy downed another whisky, he would hold Murphy’s gaze for a moment. 

Jasper, though not on shift tonight, checked on Murphy a few times throughout the evening. Murphy had a new respect for his boss. As Murphy watched his heart warmed to see how Jasper interacted with his friends, particularly the man in the little group that he hadn’t been introduced to. Watching the two play pool and tease each other reminded him of what he had with Mbege. More than once Murphy had to step out back during a lull in patrons and collect himself. He missed Mbege, the other John, it wasn’t fair that he had been taken away. On one such break Murphy drug his wallet out of his pocket and pulled out the picture he had tucked in the back. Murphy batted a stray tear from his cheek and he gazed at the photo of Mbege and himself sitting on the hood of an old blue mustang. He gathered his thoughts as he placed the picture back in his wallet, repeating Emori’s words that he wasn’t betraying John, he would want Murphy to be happy, to be cared for. 

When last call went out Bellamy put his pool cue back on the rack and brought his glass back over to the bar. 

“Another, detective?” Murphy asked raising an eyebrow. 

“Nah, I’m headed home.” 

Bellamy turned toward the door, paused, and turned back. 

“Look. I was serious about what I said earlier, if you need anything, or hell, even if you just need to get out of the house for a while, or want me to show you around, text me. Okay? I know it can be hard moving to a new place.”

Murphy had held eye contact with Bellamy for the whole sentence. He felt the butterflies flutter into is stomach again.

“Okay” he said with a nod, not trusting himself to say any more. 

Bellamy turned and left swinging his arm around Octavia’s shoulders as they stepped out the door. 

“Who’s that you were talking to?” she asked as he steered her toward his car. 

“Jasper’s new bartender,” Bellamy said with a shrug.”seems like a good guy.”

He pulled open the passenger door and deposit Octavia inside, turning to hide the blush that had crept onto his cheeks. 

_-_-_-_

“How long has it been since you took anything out of here?” Octavia wrinkled her nose at the mess piled inside as Bellamy slid open the door to the storage unit. 

“I guess the last time I was really here was when we cleaned everything out of the house ,” Bellamy dusted off his hands.

 

“So this is just a bunch of your shit from college and old stuff from before mom died that you didn’t want to go through?”

“Yeah, that about sums it up.”

“And I have to be here for this, why?” Octavia snarked.

“Because I already went through all of mom’s stuff once, and kept everything that I wanted. You need to go through it now that you are older and see if there is anything else you think we should keep.” 

Octavia sobered at the thought of going through her mother’s belongings. Octavia had been getting ready for her freshman year of high school the summer her mom had died, Bellamy preparing for his Senior Year in college. She hadn’t stoped to think of everything Bellamy had done to make the death easier for her. He had switched majors and transferred to the university here in Arcadia, had gotten a job to support them on top of still going to school, and had cleaned out their house and redecorated, making it their own. 

Aurora hadn’t been the greatest mother in the world. She was demanding of Bellamy and frequently pre-occupied with her work and the various men she hung around with. As her children grew, Aurora was home less and less, frequently disappearing for days on end, presumably with one of her “suitors.” Bellamy had felt responsible for Octavia since she was a baby. He remembered his first few years, just him and his mom, frequently left to his own devices while Aurora was preoccupied. He saw her come home with bruises from the fights she had with the men, heard the screaming matches. He made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t let anything happen to Octavia. That she would grow up with love and support and that she would never have to resort to a life like their mother’s to survive. He would make sure of it. 

“Alright,” Bellamy said pulling the first box out, “you go through these, if you see anything you want, or that you think we should keep, put it to the side. Everything else is going to the dump.”

Octavia set to work pilfering through the boxes Bellamy sat in front of her. She dug through box after box finding nothing that she felt attached too. Her childhood had been full of love, but she had felt most of it from Bellamy. Every memory she had was with him, not her mother. The nights she was sick it was Bellamy who sat up with her and soothed her. They watched movies together on the couch every Saturday night, a big bowl of pop corn between the two of them. When she busted her chin learning to ride a bike, he was the one that cleaned the wound and bandaged her. He took her to the park, to school, to the store to buy new shoes. It had always been her and Bellamy. And sitting here sorting through her mother’s belongings made her realize how little Aurora had been around, and how much Bellamy had given up to take care of her. 

The stack of boxes for her to sort through was piling up as Bellamy dug deeper into the storage unit. Some boxes he opened and and then closed again and slid into the back of his truck without taking them to Octavia. Stuff he had brought home from college she presumed, but didn’t ask. 

When the locker was about half empty he closed the tail gate of the truck. “I’m going to make the first dump run.” he called to octavia, “you keep sorting through those and I’ll load the rest of the trash up when I get back. Shouldn’t be gone long.” 

Octavia nodded and pulled the next box closer. This was going to take forever. With Bellamy gone she didn’t feel the need to inspect every little thing. She had felt no attachment to anything she had seen so far, so she took to just glancing in the boxes, and moving on if it didn’t catch her interest. None did until she was sitting on the ground one last boxes open between her knees.

Tears filled Octavias eyes as she opened the last box from her stack. She recognized the book laying on the top. Carefully, she picked it up and opened the cover, a young Bellamy holding a tiny baby smiled up at her. Octavia was surprised that Bellamy hadn’t kept this at home. This book held the few precious pictures that they had taken over the years. Octavia set it to the side and continued to search through the box. A small jewelry box sat wrapped in a t-shirt in the bottom, hidden underneath a collection of other items that Octavia remembered from their mother’s room. Surely Bellamy had meant to keep this. She stacked all of the items back in the box and sat it away from the pile of others that held nothing of value.

Bellamy still wasn’t back. He’d been gone for a while now, so Octavia decided to see what else was in the unit. Most of the cardboard boxes that Bellamy had packed after their mother’s death were gone but the back wall was still stacked with plastic storage bins that Bellamy had used to move to Polis U, out of state. Octavia remembered the day he left for college, she had tried to hide herself in one of those bins. She was 11 at the time, a little old for pulling such a stunt, but she didn’t know how she was going to survive without Bellamy. She chuckled at the memory of her childish self, but wiped a stray tear off her cheek. 

Where was Bellamy? He had said it wouldn’t be too long. Curiosity was starting to get the better of Octavia: What kind of secrets did Bellamy have stashed here? She pulled the lid off the nearest box, and inside was a collection of books on Greek mythology. The next box held and assortment of school supplies and binders and notebooks, another was just piled with a mess of papers and hand written notes. Not what she had suspected to find after hearing Clarke’s stories of their adventures their first 3 years of college. Octavia decided to be at least a little helpful and started to unstack the boxes and line them up at the door to make it easier for Bellamy when he got back. The last box down the the corner intrigued her. It was different from the rest, It’s black lacquered edge stuck out among the sea of gray plastic. Octavia finished moving the rest of the boxes and knelt down next to it.

She didn’t remember seeing the chest before. It looked fancy, all shiny and black with silver hinges and a silver lock holding it closed. It was large, too, like an old garment trunk, and when she tried to move it she found it to be heavy enough to make it cumbersome to lift. She managed to move it into the light at the front of the unit with the rest of Bellamy’s college boxes and trash. Out of breath, she sat down on the ground beside it and tugged at the lock. It didn’t budge. The sound of the gate to the storage facility sliding closed pulled her from her thoughts on what Bellamy could possibly need to keep locked in a chest, and she looked up to see his truck pulling up to the stack of boxes. 

“Hey, O” he said hopping out. “Thanks for getting all that stuff pulled out.”

“No problem. You were gone long enough. I had to find something to keep busy”

Bellamy smiled and snorted at her sass as he started popping the lids of of the boxes and quickly checking their contents. The box of books he slid into the back of his truck along with another box that she hadn’t opened. He looked up at her and a quick emotion she couldn’t read passed over his face as his eyes landed on the chest next to her.

“You didn’t open that, did you?” 

“No, it’s locked. Why?” Octavia raised a suspicious eyebrow at him. He shook his head, but didn’t answer.

“Was there anything of mom’s you wanted to keep?” He changed the subject. 

“Just this one.” She hoisted the box up to the tailgate of the truck. “I’m surprised you didn’t keep it. It has the photo album and mom’s jewelry box.”

Bellamy paused as he took the box from her hands. He stood deep in thought for a moment, like he was trying to find the right words. 

“I thought about it. Even tried to keep the pictures out at home for a while. But it hurt too much. She might not have been the best mom in the world, but she loved us, in her own way. That made it harder to hate the way she treated us, hate the way she made me feel.” He wiped his hand down his face. “I just didn’t want to remember that anymore. After she passed I had you and we were a little family and I didn’t need anything, or anyone else. But you should keep it, it’s important that you have reminders of her.”

Bellamy slid the box into the back of the truck, and then turned surveying the rest of the boxes. He frowned a little and walked over to the black trunk, hoisted it awkwardly forced it into the truck bed with the rest of the boxes they were keeping. It didn’t take long for the two of them to pile the rest of the trash in the back of the truck and close up the storage unit. After a quick stop by the office for Bellamy to drop the keys off they were headed to the dump.

“She was pretty hard on you as a kid, wasn’t she?” Octavia asked quietly, not breaking her gaze out the window. 

Bellamy let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah, kinda. She wasn’t very attentive before you were born. I was alone a lot. But then she had you, and she was around more while you were still a baby.”

“But when I got older she was gone again.” Octavia cut in. “Everything I remember as a kid, it was with you, not her.”

“And I wouldn’t change a thing.” Bellamy reached his hand across the seat and grabbed ahold of hers.

“Thanks, big brother.” She said turning to look at him. He smiled at her and squeezed her hand. She took a deep breath and steadied herself, painting her face with a cheery smile. “So, where am I taking you to dinner after this? I’ve got something to talk to you about.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Holding Onto You" by 21 Pilots
> 
> I'm going to try to update every Monday. I'll add it in the chapter notes if anything changes. I promise the next chapter gets steamier. 
> 
> Once again, I'm sorry for any errors. Its all un beta'd and I'm not the greatest at spelling and editing.


	3. Pouring Sunshine and Rain

“Have you texted him yet?” Emori stood in the bedroom doorway as Murphy shuffled around the room searching for a book. 

“Not yet. I worked all last night, and I’ve not been awake that long.” Murphy turned around, book in hand, with a huge grin on his face. “But I did see him last night.” 

“Oh yeah?” Emori replied gleefully turning toward the living room and moving for Murphy to follow. “How did that go?” She said sitting down on the couch.

“It was fine, he came in while I was at work.” Murphy sat and crossed his ankles on the coffee table. “He was with his friends again. No uniform on this time.”

Emori raised an eyebrow at him, “Like what you saw?”

Murphy's cheeks flushed pink. “He was less intimidating,” Murphy responded thoughtfully, and then added, “I caught him looking at me several times. And before he left he told me, again, to text him. He offered to show me around, since I just moved here, I think I might take him up on it.”

“John, you have too.” Emori nudged his leg with her knee. “It sounds like he’s into you too.”

“He might be straight,” Murphy huffed, “You know people can be nice to you without wanting in your pants?” 

Emori feigned offense with a fist clutched to her collar, but laughed at him. “Why don’t you ask Jasper? He’d know, right?” 

“I’m not asking my boss if his friend is gay.” He couldn’t believe that Emori would suggest that, she has no tact. 

“No, but I will.” She leaped off the couch and was running down the hall toward Murphy’s room before he could process what she said. He jumped up and ran after her but it was too late. She slammed his door closed and locked the it behind her.

Murphy pounded a useless fist against the door. “Emori, fuck, I swear to god if I loose my job because of you I’m not paying you rent at the end of the month. Don’t text my boss.”

Emori smiled to herself and picked his phone up from beside his mattress on the floor. She flipped through the contacts until she got to Jasper Jordan.

hey, that cop from the other night. Blake. Is he gay? She typed out the short message and hit send. Her face split with a huge smile when she saw the little chat bubble pop up indicating that Jasper was typing. 

Her smile fell. No. Was all it said. But then the little bubble popped up again.

He’s dated girls and guys in the past. So bi or pansexual i suppose. Why, you interested? He is single.

Emori let out a laugh.

“Goddamnit, Em! What are you doing?” Murphy beat his fist on the door again. It did no good. He turned with his back to the door and slid down it landing on the floor and leaned back against the still locked door. 

So, this is Emori. John’s best friend. He’s definitely interested. Thanks for the help. Emori typed a quick response to Murphy’s boss and headed for the door. She unlocked it and pulled it open. Murphy tumbled onto his back in the open door way and looked up at her.

“You’re welcome.” She said tossing the phone onto Murphy’s chest and stepping over him to retreat down the hallway. 

Murphy looked at the notification on the lock screen. You seem like a good friend. Want me to let him know?

He groaned as he opened the phone to read what damage Emori had caused, she was a headache. Sure she was his best friend, and had been there for him the past few months, but this was a little out of hand. Murphy sighed and just typed ‘no’ in reply to Jasper’s last text. He drug himself up off the floor and back out into the living room. 

“I can’t believe you.” He stared at her.

“Hey, now we know.” She said with a huge smile. “So we can get to work on getting you a date with the cute cop.”

“He’s a detective.”Murphy flopped himself back onto the couch dramatically and pulled his book up to hide the smile that he couldn’t keep off his face. “I’ll text him tonight.” 

Murphy spent the day getting reading and homework for his college classes finished, a new rush of butterflies unsettling his stomach every time he thought about texting Bellamy that evening. Finally after reading many chapters and typing up a response to and online post he closed his laptop and put his book back in his bedroom. After a quick shower he settled himself down onto his mattress phone in hand.

M: Hey, it’s Murphy. From the bar. He waited anxiously for a reply, but it didn’t take long.

B: Hey. How’s the eye today?

M: Not bad. It’s going to take a while for the bruise to go away, but the swelling is gone. Can I take you up on that offer to show me around sometime?

B: That’s good. And of course. What do you want see? It can’t be tonight. I’m at Jasper’s with my sister. How about tomorrow?

M: I’d like to find some good Coffee, and tomorrow is good, I’m off all day.

B: Sounds like a plan. I’ll text you in the morning. 

Murphy smiled to himself and turned over burrowing down into his pillows. He can feel a small tug of guilt in his chest as his mind starts to wander over what could happen tomorrow. He and Mbege had never been anything official, but it had always felt like it to Murphy. But he definitely feels something for this detective. Something he hasn’t felt toward anyone in the months that Mbege has been gone.  
Murphy let his mind drift to the ‘what ifs’ of the morning. What if he tells Bellamy how he feels? What if Bellamy likes him too? What if they kiss? What if Bellamy wants to do more than kiss? Murphy feels himself start to harden against his thigh, feeling a little guilt for letting himself get carried away. It was going to be a long night.

_-_-_-_

“What are you smiling at?” Octavia paused with her cup halfway to her mouth.

“Nothing, not important.” Bellamy tucked his phone back into her pocket. “What did you want to talk about?”

“You know I’ve been dating Lincoln?”

“Ah yes, my freshman year roommate, how could I forget.” Bellamy chuckled to himself.

“Well, we’ve been talking,” Octavia looked up at her brother, trying to gage his reaction, “I might transfer to the University here and move in with him for the last year and a half of college.”

Bellamy choked on the drink in his mouth, spitting and coughing as he slammed his glass down and looked Octavia. “Why couldn’t you live with me and just see Lincoln more?”

“Bell, I’m 21, I can make my own choices. I love you, you’ve done more for me than anybody else, but I need a chance to live a little. The last year of school is going to be hard, and I’ve spent so long away from all of you. Please just tell me that you want me to move back here, and that you’ll be cool with me and Lincoln.”

“Look, O, I love you too, and I would love nothing more than for you to move back home. But, I mean are you really ready to Move in with Lincoln?”

“Bellamy, we’ve been together for four years. And I’ve know him a hell of a lot longer than that. Bell, I get it, I’m your sister. But I need this.”

Bellamy sighed and wiped his hand across his face. “O, I can’t stop you, I like Lincoln, he’s a good guy. But I don’t want to see you through away your schooling for a guy.”

“I’m not. This is what I need right now. I’m trying to do whats best for me.” Octavia crossed her arms defensively. Bellamy shook his head, even as a child when she folded her arms that meant she was finished arguing. 

Bellamy sighed “I’ll try to be happy for you.”

“You shouldn’t have to try, you should just be happy that I’m moving on with my life. Sorry that you aren’t .” 

With that Octavia was up and sliding her jacked on. “Lincoln is picking me up.” She turned and headed out the door without another word. 

Jasper had watched from across the bar as Octavia stormed out. He knew she was mad. Octavia had befriended him when they were in the fourth grade, and she had always had that fierce independent streak. Bellamy looked a little worse for the wear though, leaned over on the table with his head in his hands. Jasper poured a whisky and walked toward his friend.

The plunk of the glass on the table startled Bellamy and he shot up finding Jasper where his sister had been. Jasper pushed the whisky across the table and Bellamy took it with a silent nod of thanks. 

“So that looked fun.” Jasper quipped, trying to make light of the situation.

“Yeah, she told me she wants to move in with Lincoln. I’m happy for her, that she’s getting her education, and that her life is going well in so many….areas, I just. I still need her, you know? She was my sole purpose for so long. I gave up my college dreams for her, gave up my relationship for her. It’s hard. She’s moving on with life, and I’m not.” 

Jasper thought of the text conversation from that morning. Murphy, or his roommate, Jasper wasn’t really sure which, had asked him not to say anything, But he thought that Bellamy needed this right now. 

“So, my new bar tender, Murphy?” Bellamy looked up at Jasper, his eyebrows knit together in confusion. Jasper just smiled. “He, uh, I think he might have taken a liking to you.”

Bellamy leaned back in his chair and studied Jasper’s face. This was too much, but jasper seemed sincere. “Are you bull shitting me right now. Cause if you are, Jasper, I swear to god-“

“I’m not.” Jasper held up a hand trying to placate Bellamy. “You didn’t hear anything from me, but he likes you. I think.”

Bellamy’s lips turned up with a small smile. This day was an emotional roller coaster. First the storage unit, and then Octavia, and now this. He threw the rest of the whisky back and passed the glass back to Jasper. “What makes you think that?”

“A little bird texted me.” Jasper replied standing up and heading back for the bar. “But remember, you didn’t hear anything from me.”

As Jasper retreated Bellamy gathered his jacket and headed for the door. The night air was chilly but he didn’t feel it over the warmth from the whisky and the hot flush of his cheeks. Maybe he could move on from his past. Octavia had apparently successful love life, and it had been years since Gina. He could do this. Bellamy set off for his house a few blocks away, thinking as he walked about the few text from Murphy earlier in the evening. He had promised to show him a good coffee shop in the morning. Were they going on a date? Bellamy’s mind filled with images of him and Murphy on a romantic date to a coffee shop. He quickly snapped himself back to the present. This was all happening so fast. 

When Bellamy stepped through the front door he was greeted by the stack of boxes from the storage unit. His eyes fell to the black lacquered chest. He let out a sigh and grabbed it and hauled it upstairs with him as he went, its contents clattering around. He shoved it into the closet of the spare bedroom and turned back to the hall, running his hands through his hair with frustration as he headed for his room. He knew it was irrational to be upset with Octavia for being happy, he wanted some of that too, just didn’t know if he would ever find it again; but he had hope now at least. A knot settled in his stomach, maybe nerves, maybe guilt, he didn’t have the energy to process out which, or why tonight. Bellamy stripped and headed for the bathroom, hopping that a scalding shower would calm him. 

As he showered he was sure now that the knot in his stomach was nerves, he had what was practically a date in the morning. He hadn’t been with anyone in years. Gina had been his last long term relationship, and he had only dated a few times since they broke up nearly seven years ago. First he had been so focused on getting Octavia through high school and getting himself through the police academy, and then Octavia had left for college and he had thrown himself into making detective. It had been easy to focus on other things. But now Octavia was officially moving out, and for the first time, he felt like he was missing something. As the hot water poured over him he let his mind wander for the first time in ages. What would he say to Murphy tomorrow. He knew now that the boy liked him, should he try to say something? Try to kiss him goodbye at the end? 

Bellamy flushed thinking about kissing Murphy. He hadn’t even realized that was something he wanted to do, until he felt himself blush at the thought of pulling Murphy close and pressing their lips together. Sensations Bellamy barely remembered started to flood back to him. His stomach coiled in a nervous knot, but his head danced with fantasy of what could be if he just let himself feel again. He thought of Gina and his experiences in college, of the black trunk he had just stashed in his closet and what was locked away inside. But he turned his thoughts back to Murphy. What it would be like to pin him down and kiss him, to undress the boy and make him squirm. 

The fantasy of what could happen with Murphy was enough to stir Bellamy’s long dormant desire. He took his cock in hand and started stroking himself. He pictured Murphy straddled across his lap, their mouths locked together, tongues fighting for dominance. His hand shoved down Murphy’s pants making the younger man writhe and moan. Murphy on his knees, looking up at Bellamy, willing to obey. That was enough to push Bellamy over the edge, the coil in his stomach snapped as he came over his hand, the warm water washing away the mess. 

He felt like a high school kid, coming quickly as he jacked off in the shower, something he hadn’t done since he was a teenager. Bellamy quickly washed himself and got out of the shower. He was exhausted from all of the excitement of the day and his bed was calling his name, he just hopped he could put his anticipation for tomorrow aside long enough to get some sleep. 

_-_-_-_

 

Murphy awoke to the sound of his phone vibrating against the side of his mattress. He huffed and rolled over to flop his hand around on the floor to find it. Who the hell was trying to talk to him this early in the morning? He opened his eyes and stared at the phone screen trying to make it come into focus. His heart skipped a beat as he read the name at the top of the text notification. That was right, today he was going out with Bellamy. He suddenly felt very awake as he unlocked his phone to reply.

B: Hey. Still want to get coffee? I could Pick you up around 9?

M: Sure, that would be great. I’ll be ready then.

B: I’ll see you at 9 :) I’m gonna need your address again.

Murphy smiled as he typed out his address for Bellamy. He sat his phone back down and headed across the hall to the bathroom.

“Someone’s up early” Emori called from the kitchen.

“Someone’s got a coffee date with the detective.” Murphy quipped ducking into the bathroom before Emori had a chance to respond. 

He showered and shaved making sure that his hair was neat before he crossed the hall back to his room to find clothes. His room was still sparse, being that he had only been moved in a bit over a week. No bed frame, just a mattress on the floor, a small night stand, a chair, and clothes strewn about, some on the floor, some in the chair, a few hung in the closet. Emori sat cross legged on his mattress holding a bowl of cereal.

“Took you long enough. Have to make yourself all pretty?”

“Shut up Em, and help me pick something to wear.” 

Murphy sorted through outfits turning to Emori occasionally for her opinions. He finally settled on a pair of olive colored skinny jeans and a dark burgundy sweater. 

“I’d date you.” Emori said with a shrug. 

“Thanks” Murphy said with an eye roll. He grabbed his wallet and phone. The screen said 8:51 when he flipped it up. Bellamy would be here soon. He told Emori this, and headed for the living room to put his boots on and grab a jacket. As Murphy bounced around the room trying to stuff his foot in his boot without sitting down there was a knock at the door. Emori got there first and flung it open. 

“Hi, again,” Bellamy said, feeling the same since of hostility from Emori that he had felt in his office. “I’m here for Murphy.”

“You came to the door to get him instead of just texting, that’s cute.” 

“Oh, fuck off, Em.” Murphy pushed his way past her and pulled the door closed behind himself. “Sorry about her, she’s a little intense sometimes.”

“It’s fine.” Bellamy assured him. “I was thinking we would go to The Factory. It’s a little coffee shop right down town. They’ve got really good cinnamon rolls too, if you like those.”

“Sounds great.” The butterflies had settled in Murphy’s stomach again as he followed Bellamy through the lot to his car. He climbed in and settled himself in the passenger seat. 

Bellamy buckled himself in and then glanced across the console at Murphy. 

“I’m really glad you texted me.” It was out of Bellamy’s mouth before he could think. “Life’s been kinda shit lately, but I’m glad I met you, and I’m glad you texted.” Bellamy cringed to himself at what he had just said. Had he been too forward? He was so out of the loop with this whole dating thing. Bellamy was relived to see Murphy’s face relax and part with a grin. 

“My life’s been shit for a while, too.” Murphy said. “Misery loves company, or something like that.” Murphy turned to look out the window, a hint of pink touching his cheeks. 

Bellamy put the car in drive and they headed out onto the main road. Murphy fidgeted in the silence of the car. 

“Do you mind if I find something?” Murphy gestured toward the radio. 

“Not at all. 106.5 is good in the morning.” 

Murphy fiddled with the buttons and settled the dial on 106.5. The sounds of a raucous morning radio show filled the car. The men laughed as the host bantered with each other over how dirty sports cast sound played out of context. It didn’t take long for Bellamy to park them on the curb outside of a row of shops. 

The men exited the car and head for the teal door of the coffee shop. They were greeted by a low hum of people chatting and the smells of rich coffee and warm cinnamon rolls. Murphy glanced at Bellamy who was studying the menu looking, in Murphy’s opinion, incredibly handsome. His hair was messy as always and he had on glasses today. He wore a black pea coat over a gray sweater and blue jeans. Bellamy turned and caught Murphy staring. 

“What would you like?” Bellamy asked stepping toward Murphy with a warm smile. 

“Just a cup of dark roast sounds good” Murphy returned his smile. Bellamy nodded and placed his hand lightly in the middle of Murphy’s back and guided him toward the counter. 

“What can I get you” the young man behind the counter hurried over to take their order.

“A cup of dark roast, a latte, and two cinnamon rolls, please” Bellamy pulled his card out of his wallet and passed it across the counter. 

“You don’t have to- I can get-“ Murphy stammered. 

Bellamy shook his head. After last night tossing and turning, anticipating what today would be like he decided he was going to treat this like a proper date, because that’s what he wanted this to be. “I invited you out, my treat. Why don’t you find us a table?”

Murphy flushed at Bellamy’s words as he set off in search of a table for them . Was this a date? Bellamy had told him on multiple occasions to text him, and then there was that bit in the car about being glad that Murphy had texted him. Maybe it was a date and Bellamy was just bad at being forward. He settled on a small round table by the front window with two metal chairs. It didn’t take long for Bellamy to join him, a coffee in each hand and a plate with two cinnamon rolls balanced on one forearm. 

“Enjoy” Bellamy said with a smile putting Murphy’s coffee down in front of him. Bellamy pulled one of the cinnamon rolls off the plate and slid it toward Murphy. “I hope you like this too”he added. 

Murphy picked up the cinnamon roll and brought it to his lips. Bellamy watched expectantly as Murphy took a bite. 

“Well?” Bellamy raised and eyebrow. Murphy tried to smile, his mouth still full of cinnamon roll, and nodded enthusiastically. 

“‘S good” he said hand over his mouth trying to be polite. 

“Sorry, your eating. I should have waited” Bellamy grimaced to himself and looked down. “I guess I’m just a little nervous” he added quietly peeking up at Murphy from under his curly hair. 

Murphy said nothing for a moment, taking time to process what Bellamy said, and swallow his mouth full of cinnamon roll. 

“Nervous about what?” The butterflies had once again taken flight in Murphy’s stomach. 

“I guess I just haven’t been on a date in a long time.” Bellamy locked eyes with Murphy again. 

So this was a date. At least Bellamy was being direct about it now.  
“I haven’t either.” Murphy returned the smile. “Though, I don’t guess I’ve ever been on a proper date at all.”

Bellamy raised a quizzical eyebrow at Murphy. 

“You’ve never been on a date?” It wasn’t judgmental. Just curious. 

Murphy took a deep breath and sighed. Shifting to look out the window. “It’s a long story. But no, never on an official date.”

“You’ll have to tell me sometime” Bellamy sounded genuinely interested. But he left it at that letting a comfortable silence fall between them. He hoped he hasn’t just made things awkward. “I’ve got my share of war stories, we could swap.” Bellamy added thoughtfully after a few moments. 

“Yeah” Murphy pulled his eyes back towards Bellamy and smiled. He doubted Bellamy really wanted to hear about the shit show that was the last decade of his life. He had followed Mbege like a lost puppy from junior year of high school through a couple years of college and onto the real world. And he had done just about anything he could to keep Mbege around. 

“So” Bellamy changed the subject. I’ve shown you coffee-“

“You were right, good coffee, by the way” Murphy interjected. 

“Glad you like it” Bellamy’s lips parted with a cheesy, prideful grin. “But what else do you want to see” I’m off all day. And the bar is closed tonight, so you aren’t working, have any other plans?” 

Murphy shook his head as he downed a sip of coffee. “Nope. Have any recommendations? I don’t really get out much. Back home there wasn’t a lot to do.” 

“I’m not the best tour guide, I suppose” Bellamy laughed at himself “I don’t get out much either. I work a lot, and if I do go out it’s just to Jasper’s. I’ve been there the past 3 nights if that tells you anything. We’ve got that in common I guess.”

Murphy grinned. “I guess we do. So what do you do for fun if you don’t get out?”

“Well” Bellamy looked like he was weighing out a hard decision. “I read a lot, and I watch Netflix, mostly documentaries now that O, that’s my sister, is in college though”

That didn’t sound like the most fun Murphy could have, but it sounded nice. 

“I was different when I was younger, in college. We used to go out all the time, clubs, parties, you name it. Clarke and I went everywhere.” Bellamy seemed lost I thought for a moment, remembering wilder times. 

Murphy sat contemplating for a few moments as Bellamy finished his coffee. All of Murphy’s desire and libido, has seemed to die with Mbege. He has just been going through the motions of life for months. Emori has asked him to move out here with her for a change of pace, a fresh star. He was going to take it. This oddly charming detective was the first person since Mbege to make Murphy’s feel anything, and damnit he was going to chase the feeling. Just like he had with Mbege. 

“You know?” Murphy said as Bellamy sat his cup down. “I haven’t seen a movie in forever. I’d be down to just to watch something, documentaries fine.” Murphy felt a pull of the thrill that he had felt with Mbege: reckless abandon, hedonistic surrender to desire. He felt alive. 

“You sure?” Bellamy was glad for the pressure of playing tour guide to be relieved, but this meant he was going to take Murphy to his house. He hasn’t brought anyone home since Gina. 

“Yes” Murphy’s lips parted in a wide, almost animalistic grin. 

_-_-_-_

Movie watching hasn’t lasted long. Bellamy purposely picked something he had seen before so he could spend his time studying Murphy. The feeling of infatuation had his head spinning with memories of his college antics, and he wanted time to sit and think. 

Murphy on the other hand was riding a high he though had died with his best friend, and he was relieved that the feeling of guilt he had been fighting was no longer pulling in his chest. Murphy barely focused on the old war footage and history experts flashing across the screen. His mind was on Bellamy. 

About halfway into the program Murphy had shifted so that he was pressed gently under Bellamy’s arm that was draped over the back of the couch. With calculated movement Murphy slowly inched more and more of his body to be flush against Bellamy’s side. 

Bellamy steadied his breath. He had been too lost in his thoughts thoughts that he wasn’t proud to admit, at the moment, involved pushing Murphy down and making him moan. When he was jerked from his day dreaming by Murphy’s head falling lightly onto his shoulder. Bellamy dropped his arm off the couch, draping it around Murphy’s shoulder. 

“This ok?” He asked breathlessly. 

“Mhm” Murphy cuddled closer and turned his face to Bellamy’s neck. He’s body was buzzing with the heady feeling of getting ready to go off a high dive. 

“Is this?” Murphy tilted his chin up and pressed a firm kiss to the side of Bellamy’s jaw. 

Heat shot through Bellamy at the feeling of the younger mans lips on his skin. His self control was faltering. “Yes” he choked out. Murphy kissed him again, this time adding a light nip in among the soft kisses. 

“What do you want out of this.” All of Bellamy’s pretense gone, he pulled back from Murphy and turned him so their eyes met. Murphy’s mouth went dry at the look on Bellamy’s eyes. It was strong, wanting, and demanded obedience. 

“You” Murphy felt his bravado falter. This was all new territory. Mbege had never looked at him that way. 

Bellamy shook his head. “What about me? Tell me Murphy”

Murphy swallowed thickly, “want you to fuck me.” It sounded less sure than he felt. 

Bellamy raised an eyebrow at him.

Another surge of bravery washed through Murphy, he could do this. It might be different than his past experiences, but he knew what he liked. In this moment Bellamy looked like a god, like he deserved to be worshipped, and Murphy wanted the chance to give him that.

 

“I want you to take me to your room, let me suck you off, and then fuck me.” Murphy locked eyes with Bellamy. 

“Good boy.”

Bellamy surged forward and locked his lips onto Murphy’s, tongue sliding over Murphy’s lips until they parted, letting Bellamy deepen the kiss. They fought for dominance pushing against each other’s tongues and clashing their teeth together. 

Murphy pulled away to drag in a deep breath of air. He turned and slid a leg over Bellamy’s hips so he was straddling his lap. Murphy’s hands snaked up Bellamy’s arms feeling the tense muscles as they made there way up to tangle in his dark curls. Bellamy leaned forward hands gripping Murphy’s hips, lips crashing against the younger mans again. Bellamy had control now. He pushed Murphy’s lips apart and darted his tongue in and out, mapping his mouth. It wasn't long before Bellamy hoisted himself up, sliding Murphy off of his lap and grabbed the boy’s hand. 

“You sure about this?” Bellamy spun Murphy to look him in the face.

“I’m positive” Murphys eyes were manic as he pulled himself up with Bellamy’s help. He allowed himself to be led through the house and up the stairs. His body vibrating with anticipation. 

Once Bellamy had pulled him into the bedroom and closed the door he pulled Murphy into another searing kiss. His hands worked their way under Murphy’s shirt and up to his stomach then chest sliding the shirt up with it. He broke away long enough to pull Murphy’s shirt off, and then his own. Murphy’s eyes wandered over his body, taking in every ripple of muscle. He longed to touch every part of Bellamy, a desire he had never felt with Mbege. There encounters had always been fast and rough, more about control than feelings. 

Murphy sank to his knees in front of Bellamy. He’d done this before, but not for a while, and he felt a touch of apprehension. He swallowed it back and reached for the button of Bellamy’s pants., it came undone easily and he wrapped his fingers around the waistband of his jeans and boxers and pulled them down, freeing Bellamys erection. Murphy sat back on his heals, taking a moment to admire the man in front of him. 

Murphy leaned in and licked a stripe, starting from the base all the way to the tip and then swirled his tongue around the head drawing a hiss from Bellamy. Murphy smirked bringing his hand up to stead Bellamy’s length. He parted his lips and took Bellamy in as far as he could, pausing to swirl his tongue around before hollowing his cheeks as he pulled off again. He repeated this pattern a few more times before bobbing his head, using his hand to stroke the length that he couldn’t take down. 

Bellamy’s hands tangled in Murphys brown hair. He pulled slightly drawing a moan from Murphy. The vibration rippled through Bellamy and he thrust forward hitting against the back of Murphy’s throat. “Fuck, I’m close” Bellamy admitted, feeling a bit embarrassed at how quickly he had gotten to the edge. 

Murphy sat back on the balls of his feet and looked up at Bellamy through his eyelashes. Bellamy extended his hand and pulled Murphy up to his feet, he pulled the boy close and kissed him again, this time with less urgency and more passion. He guided Murphy backward toward the bed, not breaking the kiss. Murphy’s legs hit the edge of the mattress and Bellamy pushed him back, his weight sinking on top of the smaller man. Murphy let out an impatient moan and thrust his hard dick, still encased in his jeans, against Bellamy’s thigh. 

Bellamy obliged, undoing Murphy’s pants and sliding them and his underwear off. He leaned back in pressing kisses to Murphy’s neck and shoulder. He bared his teeth and bit a small mark onto the side of Murphy’s throat. “Fuck” Murphy moaned his fingernails digging into Bellamy’s bicep. Bellamy moved a little lower and bit again, hard, drawing a loud moan from the boy. “Please, Bellamy” Murphy wriggled out from under the weight and slid himself right way up on the bed making space for Bellamy to join him. 

The curly haired man followed, sliding between Murphy’s knees and bracing himself with one hand beside Murphy’s head, the other tracing patterns across the boy’s chest. 

“John,” He breathed out “You ready?” 

Murphy’s breath caught, those words had his head spinning. No one, except Emori, called him John. 

Fuck.

A heavy fist of grief hit him in the stomach, and tears welled in his eyes. 

Fuck. This couldn’t be happening.

Bellamy snapped his hands away, and moved to sit on the bed beside the now sobbing Murphy. Had he hurt him? Did he misunderstand? He’d had partners cry during sex before, sure, but this felt different.

“What did I-,” Bellamy started to say but then paused. “What do you need?” His words were firm, but caring.

Murphy just shook his head and turned on his side away from Bellamy, tears falling to hard to form any words.

“Can I touch you?”

Murphy slowly nodded. Bellamy lowered himself behind Murphy, placing a tentative hand on the dip of his waist, thumb rubbing a small circle. 

“Did I hurt you?” Bellamy’s voice was calm, but demand an answer.

Murphy took a shuddering breath and shook his head again.

“No, I was liking it, its just…. No one calls me John, not any more.” He was quite for a few moments. Bellamy didn’t pry, he let his hand rest a little heavier and slid a little closer. Murphy settled back so he rested more against the heat of Bellamy’s chest, he had caught a sudden chill of grief and the warmth was soothing.

Murphy drew a long shuddering breath. He felt like he owed Bellamy an explanation. “You have time for me to tell you that story?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by Manic by Plumb


	4. Sometimes I'd Rather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The change in font in this chapter denotes Murphy speaking at length about his past. I aimed for a stream of consciousness kind of thing. Enjoy.

Bellamy curled tighter around Murphy and nuzzled into his shoulder. “I’ll listen to anything you want to share,” Bellamy promised with a squeeze to Murphy’s waist.

 

And with that Murphy took in a deep breath, and started on the story of the only person he had ever loved.

 

 

**“I met Mbege when we were in the seventh grade. We are-, were-, are both named John, and both of our last names started with M, so we became Mbege and Murphy. Everyone called us that, the teachers, the students, everyone. And we were inseparable. I was still living with my mom at the time. Dad had been killed the summer before sixth grade, so it was still kind of new, but I could tell that Mom was different didn’t really care if I was around or not, and she started letting stuff around the house slip. I guess, looking back, I gravitated toward Mbege as I was losing her.**

 

**He was always tallest in the class, he was stronger than I was too. And I’m not always the easiest person to get along with, but Begs never seemed to care about my foul moods or generally pissed off attitude. He’d come to my defense when I let shit get out of hand. What really solidified our friendship was this one day in gym class that I went off on this kid. It was pretty early in the school year and I usually just kept to myself, but this kid made some comment, I don’t even remember exactly what he said, but something about my mom, and I just let him have it. Ran at him, tackled him, I got him down, but he pretty quickly pinned me down and was wailing on my face. Mbege just walked over calmly and grabbed him by the collar, and hit him with one left hand swing and laid him out on the floor. We were best friends from that point. Any time I got into a tussle he was there to bail me out. Kinda like the brother I had never had. I guess thats how it started, us as pseudo siblings.**

 

**Begs let me hang out all the time. I stayed over at his house more nights than I was home, and his Mom never seemed to mind that I was always around. I think he had told her about my family, but she never asked questions, so I just went with it. When my mom finally told me not to come back I showed up with a box of my shit and never left. His mom was gone most of the time. She worked a lot. I think he was glad to have someone else around.**

 

**We got into all kinds of trouble throughout high school. Got arrested once. Begs decided it would be a good idea to pick a fight with some kids from the opposing team at the homecoming football game sophomore year. We spent the night in holding, they let us out in the morning, we got 100 hours of community service each. But that night was a turning point. We had been friends for four years, but I hadn’t been living with him long, but anyway, that morning when we got out he hugged me, as we were standing on the sidewalk waiting for his mom to pick us up, and he told me he loved me. Things changed after that. We had always been close, but it felt different after that morning. Different for me at least, Mbege just kept on being himself.**

 

**He was always doing crazy shit just for the thrill of it. Most of the time I just watched, or drove the get away car. He had this old blue mustang that we fixed up, but we hardly ever got caught. We never did anything serious. Tagging blank walls, stealing street signs, petty theft, stupid shit. I think he got some kind of high off of it. He’d get this wild look in his eyes, and he’d always want to fool around after we got away, but we never really talked about it.**

 

**The first night we got that old mustang running we took it out for a test drive. It was really late one night in mid July, we had slept til noon and then spent the rest of the day working on the car. Finally we got it to crank, so Begs decided we had to take it for a drive. It didn’t have plates or anything, and neither of us had a license. But we were young and stupid, and excited we’d actually got it to run, so we hopped in and took off. It was a small town, few people went out after dark, so I thought it wouldn’t be any big deal. Anyway, there was a cop out on patrol that night and he spotted us with no tags so he pulled up behind us, lights going, sirens wailing. Begs took one look in the mirror and told me to hold on. I told him to just stop and explain, but he had that look that he got when he was reckless. He sped off, pedal to the floor, I just closed my eyes and hoped it would end soon, and with us not dead. He was racing up all these back roads, I had no idea where we were but slowly I heard the sirens melt into the distance. The car slowed down and I opened my eyes. We were nowhere, and there was nothing but cornfields around us. Mbege pulled us off onto a dirt road and parked a ways down along the tree line. My heart was still pounding when he pulled me out of the passenger side and ushered me onto the hood of the car. We sat there in silence for a few minutes, all I could here was his labored breathing beside me. After a bit he leaned over and pushed me back on the hood, rolled on top of me. My heart started pounding again, this time with excitement instead of panic, and he fumbled my pants open, and then his. He grabbed my dick, and was pulling hard and fast, it almost hurt, but I was too turned on to care. He guided my hand down to his and it didn’t take long for us both to cum. After that most of the nights that we went out cruising end with us getting off in some way or another.**

 

**This one time, summer after junior year, we were out cruising, it was late and there wasn’t really anyone else around, so we parked and snuck into an abandoned building. It was dark, and the only light we had was from our phone screens, still flip phones back then, so we go sneaking through this old factory. He was in front of me, and then all of a sudden he was gone. The floor had given way and he fell a whole story onto the floor below. I almost shit myself, I thought he was dead, but when I got down to him he was just laying on the floor giggling to himself like a mad man. I got him back out to the car and drove us home. Turns out he broke his ankle in the fall, but didn’t realize it until the next day. He was some kind of crazy. But that was the night I knew I loved him. That fall, I thought he was gone, that I was going to be alone in the world, but he was ok. That was our first kiss that night. Him laying on the floor giggling and me still shaking from panic. I had grabbed his face and pushed out mouths together before I could think. But it felt like something that was supposed to happen.**

 

**We got more serious after that. He seemed to think of it as something more then, too. It wasalmost senior year, and I think he was dealing withe fact that I was going to leave for college the next fall. We stopped cruising as much, we spent more time at home. He’d still get antsy sometimes, want to do something reckless. We usually just fucked when he got that way, but now he’d kiss me while we did it. It was kind of weird when we were around other people we were just best friends, behind closed doors, though, we were more, sometimes. We’d go to school, hang out with friends, whatever. And then he’d get that look and he’d want to fuck, and then after that he’d be clingy for a bit, and then it would be like nothing ever happened.**

 

**I loved him, but I don’t think he felt the same way. I think I was just an outlet for him. I mean, he loved me in the way you love family. He took me in, we were together all the time. But I would have spent my life with him, settled down. I don’t think he ever wanted that. Don’t think he ever thought about the future. Begs only cared about the present.**

 

**We lived together at his mom’s up until I left for college. She never seemed to question our relationship. I guess we were never public with anything though.I didn’t make it long without him. One year, and then I moved back home. I’m working on my degree again, now that he’s gone. When I came back we got jobs, got a place of our own in a shitty apartment complex on the edge of town. It was a horrible little studio, but we made it home. He was different when I got back though. Darker, Rougher.**

 

**It wasn’t that big of a deal for the first year or so. He was still into doing the stupid shit, I was just trying to survive. I got a decent job, we ate pretty good. He was gone some nights, but he was always excited to see me in the mornings. I don’t know who he went out with, he never brought them home. He’d still always want to fuck after his nights out. That got rougher too. I didn’t mind that either, kinda liked it when it hurt. But he felt disconnected, like it wasn’t really him anymore. I tried to ignore it, I didn’t want to lose the only love I had in the world.**

 

 

**We stayed there, in that shit hole, for 4 years. After that first year, though, he changed. He settled down a little more. Got a job as a bartender, then got me one at the same bar, too. We worked together some nights, got to see each other more. He wasn’t gone as much. We had a semi-normal relationship. But then he started with the drugs. I don’t know how long he had been on them, I guess probably the whole time. Suppose he needed to get his rush one way or another. He hid it at first, but I eventually caught on, and he didn’t worry about keeping it a secret anymore.**

 

**I watched him morph into the shell of what he once was. We quit sleeping together about a year and a half ago. He’d still tolerate my affection now and then, but he never seemed to feel it. Eventually he quit his job, he started disappearing for days on end. He’d answer eventually if I texted him; but then one day he went radio silent. He hadn’t been home in about a week, and I feared the worst. I was right. Six days after the last time I saw him I woke up to a knock on the door. It was a cop, he asked if John lived there and I asked which one, and he told me “Mbege.” My heart stopped, I knew. He told me they needed someone to identify the body.**

 

**I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I know that cop drove me to the morgue, I remember them pulling the sheet back, and there he was, he was bruised. I don’t know if it was from the accident or what he had been doing the week before. But it was undeniably my John laying there. He was found off one of the back country roads, car turned over in a corn field, his body thrown 30 feet away. They called his mom, who wanted to keep it quiet. We didn’t have a funeral or anything, just had him cremated. I didn’t ask what happened to the remains. That was 5 months ago.**

 

**It sounds so juvenile, saying it out loud, but he was my whole life. Everything I did was to keep him around. To assure myself that I wasn’t going to end up alone in the world. And then he fucking left me anyway.”**

 

 

Murphy was now crying, tears streaming down his cheeks, breath labored and uneven. He drew in a particularly harsh gasp and Bellamy tucked his arm tight around his chest and pulled him close so Murphy’s back fit flush ain’t him. He said nothing. What could be said to someone who had lost their whole life? When Murphy’s sobs had subsided Bellamy loosed his hold and propped himself up on one elbow to hover over Murphy’s face. He swiped the last tears off of Murphy’s cheeks and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

 

“Thank you for sharing that.” His voice was softer, but still had its dominating tone. “I don’t ever want to hurt you, or upset you. This never has to happen again.”

 

Murphy shook his head franticly. “No, that’s not what I want.” Murphy slid out from under Bellamy and propped himself up against the headboard and drew his knees to his chest.

 

“Emori had been our friend too. We all met in shop class Freshman year. She was an outcast like us, and she fit right into our little found family. She never came on our little adventures, but we hung out a lot. She moved here for college after we graduated, we kept in touch, but didn’t get to see each other much. After John started disappearing for days at a time I let her in on the secret life we had shared for the past seven years. She didn’t judge. After he died I didn’t talk to her for a week, didn’t know what to say. She drove back home to see me, found out what happened and insisted that I move out here to get a fresh start. Somewhere that no one knew me, and I would have an identity separate from John. I finally took her up on it a couple weeks ago. I want that now too, a fresh start I mean. A chance to live again.”

 

Murphy sat quiet for a few moments, choking back the sobs that were threatening to bubble out of his chest again. Bellamy just sat in silence studying the man who, in this state, looked so young and vulnerable.

 

“I thought, that maybe, I had found something….. with you.” It was barely a whisper, but it echoed through Bellamy. “I’ve never met anyone else that I was attracted to. You remind me of the best parts of him. You’re calm, and sure of yourself. You know what you want.”

 

Murphy finally looked at Bellamy, he wanted to gauge the older man’s reaction to all of this. Bellamy was gazing at Murphy, a crease of concern sitting between his furrowed eyebrows. Bellamy closed the distance between them and pulled the smaller man’s frame into a tight embrace.

 

“I’ve been alone for a long time,” Bellamy’s breath tickled against Murphy’s ear, “ I was a bit wild in college, but I had a steady girlfriend, Gina, for a while. Until mom died. I morphed into a new person under the pressure of caring for Octavia. Everything that had mattered to me all seemed so trivial now that my sister was my responsibility. I let what I had with Gina die a slow, painful death. I let the world go on without me while I tried to keep Octavia and me afloat. And then when she graduated, I felt like I was so far behind my peers that it wasn’t worth trying to make a relationship work anymore. But then I met you.”

 

Bellamy pulled back so he could look at Murphy.

 

“I might seem confident, and I can be, in the bedroom. But I have no goddamn idea what I’m doing in a relationship, and it sounds like you might be a little lost too. I just know that I don’t want this to be the end of whatever we’ve got going right now. We can go as slow as you want, but I don’t want to loose the first bit of hope I’ve had in a long time.”

 

Murphy’s eyes darted back and forth, searching for words to describe the pull in his chest, the butterflies in his stomach, how much he wanted, needed, to know that this could work. That Mbege hadn’t broken him.

 

“I don’t want this to be the end either. Maybe we can just sort our shit out together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Amen by Amber Run
> 
> Un-beta'd as always, so sorry for any typos.
> 
> Also thank you to all of you that have left kudos and kind words. It means a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> Title for the work and this chapter are from the Amber Run song "I Found"


End file.
